My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
