His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
