Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
