Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
