Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
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