Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
