Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
