your parents love me but you hate me
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
