so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
