I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
