he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
