she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
