What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
