seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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