as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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