is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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