So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
