How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
