I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We have started to decorate penises.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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