Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Randomize
