I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
