Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
