census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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