we have pet lesbian snakes
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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