Cold hands, warm shart.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
