I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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