it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
