Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
