After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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