he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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