In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
