i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
