yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
