This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
