I feel like abortions should bother me more
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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