help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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