I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
