Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
