One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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