I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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