my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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