do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
