My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
