the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
