I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
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