Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
