I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
