dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
sarcasm needs its own font
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
