A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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