I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
