There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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