i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
