I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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