a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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