I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
