How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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