I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The chlamydia really affected his face.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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